Grieving at Work
Death & Bereavement - the biggest taboo at work?
It is certainly one of the hardest things for anyone to cope with, when trying to “keep going” and continue earning a living.
It can be so difficult to think clearly and know what to do after losing someone. We can become fixated on what is the “right” way to grieve, or what is the “right” way to support a colleague who is grieving.
...when the reality is that there is no "right" way.
Think of the people you work with right now. On average, one or two will have lost someone important to them in the last year - a friend, a grandparent, a parent, a cousin, another colleague. And almost EVERYONE will have lost someone dear to them in the past few years, and will still be affected when something reminds them of that person.
Grief is a complex, unpredictable process that we all go through multiple times in our lives. And yet, even though we know what it is like to carry around our own personal sadness, we tend to expect that other people will ‘get over it’ and ‘get back to normal’ relatively quickly - especially at work.
So what can you do or say when a colleague of yours has had a recent bereavement?
Firstly, remind yourself of these facts:
💔 Especially in the first few weeks after losing someone, your colleague’s feelings will be all over the place, and will be completely out of their control. Sad, happy, angry, frustrated, anxious, enthusiastic, nervous...and many others.
💔 Everyone’s reactions to their emotions will differ. If one person is feeling sad they may go quiet and withdraw, whereas if another person is sad they may cry at the slightest thing. And others may behave in a completely different way - they may be confrontational, argumentative, or even make jokes.
💔 Grief isn’t linear, and doesn’t have an ‘end’. It just becomes more manageable. If your colleague seems ‘back to normal’ after a few weeks, don’t assume that they are now completely ‘fine’. They may be finding ways to cope and move forwards, but they may still have moments where they get very upset, angry or irrational. This isn’t a weakness, and isn’t anything to be criticised.
The most important thing is to be KIND. Within a pressurised work environment, it can be hard to know what to say, and what to expect of your colleague when they are trying to work whilst also dealing with their own emotions.
And if YOU yourself are trying to process a loss, it is important to be kind to YOURSELF too - don’t forget that. I have written some other posts recently to cover this in more detail, and what being ‘kind’ to yourself really means.
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What support should you get at work when you are grieving?
As a qualified bereavement counsellor, one of the things I do is help people to process loss while they are doing their best to stay focused in a pressurised job.
One of the major practical challenges we face is that life continues to go on, even when we want the whole world to stop for a while so we can heal. The fast-paced business world doesn’t stop - and if we don’t keep up with it then our livelihood could be at risk.
A lot of people therefore feel there is nothing they can do other than just bottle it up and keep going.
There is no minimum requirement for the time an employer should allow when it comes to bereavement leave, and it is usually discretionary. On average, UK businesses give a total of 3-5 days off (either paid or unpaid).
The problem is that grief isn’t something we just ‘get over’ in 3-5 days. It affects everyone differently, and comes and goes in waves over a long time.
Having been MD of a recruitment business, I can see an employer’s perspective. Of course you want to support your team member. But equally, the business has to continue.
I believe that EVERY business should:
➡️ Have a clear policy for time off. 5 days’ paid leave, with the option for further unpaid days.
➡️ Make it clear that there is no expectation for the person to check messages while off.
➡️ Send a gift, with a card that everyone in the team signs - this goes a long way, and helps everyone to understand this person is going through a tough time.
➡️ Meet with the team to guide them on what to say. Encourage them to say something other than “I’m sorry to hear…”, because when someone reads this multiple times it can actually be unhelpful.
➡️ Have a ‘return to work’ meeting on their first day back, asking what THEY feel they need. Some will just want to get their head down, while others may need to talk or make some changes to their work setup.
➡️ Provide 6 online bereavement counselling sessions, paid for by the company. Yes, this is my sales pitch. I hold online counselling / mentoring for busy professionals, at £60 per session. If you budget £360, this will pay for itself MANY times over, compared with the cost of this person’s work suffering, them having to take extended time off, or them choosing to leave.
➡️ Continue to check in with the person, once a week initially and then once a month. Grief lasts a long time - and often the ‘worst’ part comes 10-12 weeks after the death, not right away. It is normal and natural for someone to withdraw, not want to go to social events, be quieter in meetings, and be less energetic. If the managers in the business EXPECT this, then it won’t be seen as a ‘problem’ when it happens.
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If any of these points resonate with you, either as an employer or as someone who is trying to cope with a bereavement, then you are very welcome to get in touch with me for a private, confidential chat.
